Six Months Later

Today marks a very special occasion and I felt the need to share with the world.  I'm writing this post because I hope to inspire you, because the past six months have changed my life, my body, my mind, and my spirit more than I will ever be able to put in to words.  But, I can try. 

It has been exactly six months since I first decided to step into the hot room.  Just two months before that my whole life was spun upside down (or as my great friend Pam would say, my snow globe had been totally shook up).  I wasn't sure how to put the pieces back together.  I wasn't sure if it was even possible to do so.  I wasn't even sure it was possible to ever feel happy, confident, or beautiful ever again.  Then, without ever trying Bikram yoga before, I laid my mat in the 110C room and promised myself I'd do it everyday for thirty days. After the thirty days my practice came naturally.  I haven’t looked back.

Prior to starting the challenge I did some research.  Hindu philispohy and yoga go hand in hand and I’ve been drawn to Gods and Goddess of the Hindu tradition for quite some time.  I needed an inspiration, and quite frankly, a cool name for my blog (which at that point I thought I'd write in every day).  This inspiration came in the form of the Goddess Durga.  I was drawn to Durga for various reasons, but mostly because she was a fighter.  

In Sanskirt the word "Durga" means fort, or any place which is difficult to over run.  You'll also hear the term "Durgatinashini" which translates perfectly to "the one who eliminates sufferings".  Hindus believe that this badass goddess protects her worshippers from evils of the world and removes their miseries.  She also incarnates into all of the most incredible goddesses to kill the demon Mahishasur and just before killing him proclaims "Roar with delight while you still can, O illiterate demon, because when I will kill you, the gods themselves will roar with delight".  Day one I stared myself in the mirror and told my demons the same thing.  Then I kicked some serious demon ass and never looked back.

Fast Forward six months: I try to go every day, but I've accomplished ninety six ninety minute classes, which equals one hundred and forty hours and thirty minutes, which translates to more than six full days in the yoga room and life has never been better.  I am so full of exuberance and joy that sometimes I'm not sure how to contain myself.  My cells are bursting with pure happiness and gratitude.  You will often see me smiling (or even laughing) as I walk down the street.  I'm not afraid of anything.  Life is amazing, exciting, fun, and above all, truly beautiful.  My yoga practice has improved too.  Postures that I never thought I could possibly do are actually possible now.  I have breakthroughs on a regular basis, both physical and mental.  I've surrounded myself with inspirational people, both inside and outside of the hot room.  My smiling muscles are as strong as my obliques. 

Now, I'm not here to tell you that this is for everyone.  I know it's not and I'm okay with that.  But, I know there is a yoga for everyone and it has nothing to do with bending yourself into contorted shapes. Yoga means union.  Union of the body, mind, and spirit.  By pushing and stretching my body on my mat as often as I can I have pushed and stretched my mind and spirit too.  I am surrounded daily by people who's story is not unlike mine.  This is because we all have the same story of pain, hurt, and loss.  I'm here to tell you that my story is your story.  So, if you're lost and don't know what to do I can't think of any better advice to give you than to strip down into your smallest, tightest outfit, roll out your yoga mat and stare yourself in the mirror in a ridiculously hot room for ninety minutes until you're okay (or even in love) with the person you're staring at; mind, body, and spirit.  

Namaste.

“You’re never too old, never too bad, never too late and never too sick to start from the scratch once again.” - Bikram Choudhury

Head - hangs low, eyes do not look forward, generally looking down, chin towards chest, frequent migraines and head aches
I feel that I stand taller and have better posture.  I think this influences the way I carry myself now.  There are a few postures that strengthen the neck and we are always encouraged to stretch as tall as we can be, which I think has really helped.  I have had one headache and no migraines since starting this yoga.  The headache that I did have surprised me as it didn't last very long and wasn't as debilitating as the headaches I've had in the past. Hopefully this is not just coincidence.


Mind - lack of clarity, poor confidence, depression, anxiety, unable to focus on one task, doesn't always stay present (mindfulness)
The change in my mental state was apparent after only a week of this yoga.  I couldn't believe how quickly my negative feelings dissipated.  Almost immediately I noticed that I was much calmer in situations that would normally make me anxious. I feel very happy, peaceful and pretty cool with what the future has in store with me.  This yoga also helped me heal from my recent breakup, I am so proud of my resilience. I'm still not able to focus on one task at a time, but I can handle that.  I also struggle to focus a lot in yoga, go figure.   

Face - oily skin, blemishes, large pores, skin congestion, dark circles under eyes, lack of facial muscles, especially on the forehead, fine lines
I need to be honest, this is the area I really hoped yoga would change, and although I have seen significant changes, I can't say that the chemistry of my skin has changed all that much.  It is still oily, and I still break out from time to time (but not as severely).  My skin is not congested, however, and therefore my pores are as obvious.  My eyes are much brighter, but I still get dark circles when I'm tired.  There are some facial exercises online that my roomie was telling me about, so I'll try them for my facial muscles... lol.  Fine lines, I'm not too worry about them.  

Neck - propped forward, blemishes, skin congestion
ballin'

Shoulders - tense, rolled in towards chest and up towards ears, weird shoulder fat, lack of tone
My shoulders really look amazing.  They are my new favourite feature.  They are still tense, but they look good.  I still have this shoulder fat thing.  I look forward to loosing that.

Back - spine misaligned, poor posture, blemishes, skin congestion, dryness, weak muscles, lack of tone
There is an entire series of back strengthening postures in Bikram yoga.  These postures have really helped me.  My posture isn't at 100%, but I know it will be.  The people who have been practicing for a while have beautiful backs.  My skin has also benefited from the heat and sweat.  Ok, this is going to sound really gross.  In my first class I had an itch and I scratched it.  I couldn't believe how much dead skin I had under my fingernails.  This was a cue that my skin would change.  After a few weeks my skin was glowing.  I'm thrilled!

Chest - slight concave, blemishes, skin congestion, does not lead with heart
See above regarding my posture.  My chest is stronger.  I still probably don't lead with my heart, I'll work on it.  

Arms - lack of tone, weak muscles, skin congestion
My arms are very strong near the shoulders, but they will need more work.  I dream of having perfect triceps.  But they look good!


Belly - spare tire fat, no visible abs, ribs appear to be shaped differently
I am still holding on to a tiny bit of tummy, but nothing to be worried about.  I've noticed that most women hold on to a little belly fat.  I hope I won't always, I don't think I will.  But if I do, whatever.  My ribs are totally shaped differently.  I would know, I've spend 90 minutes every day for the past 30 days sucking in my stomach (we're told to) while looking at myself in a tini tiny bikini top in the mirror.  I have a good feeling that after a lot of practice (years?) they will balance themselves out and heal from whatever the hell happened to them.  Oh and I totally have obliques, amazing...

Butt - tight glutes, fat, lack of tone, cellulite
My butt is shaping up nicely.  I swear the cellulite is gone... nuff said.

Upper Legs - fat, lack of tone, weak muscles, cellulite
My legs also showed results in the first few days.  They are so much stronger and they look great.  I'm still holding some cushion on them, but I don't think I will forever.  Cellulite is improved.  Lookin good.


Knees - recovered mcl injury on left knee is still favoured, over-extension
My knee really hurt the first week.  Soon after I noticed that the muscles on my left leg were less developed.  I do not favour this leg anymore, but it is a bit weaker.  The knee is fire, it doesn't hurt and there is no reason to favour it anymore.  I learned in this yoga that ALL of my joints hyperextend.  I need to be careful with this and build up lots of muscle.  I have gained a lot of bodily awareness and this has helped me to avoid over extending.  Also, see above - that helps.

Lower Legs - weak muscles, appear to be shaped differently
My legs are shaped differently because I've favoured my left knee.  It will get better.  My legs are so much stronger.

Feet - in bad shape, need surgery for bunions and generally fuckedupness, hard to balance, weak muscles
A true testament to how messed up my feet are is this story.  On my 2nd last class we were in Standing Bow Pulling Pose when the teacher stopped us "Everybody stop! Some of you are scrunching up your feet.  When I say 'point the toes' I mean do it softly, make it pretty.  Ok, try again".  Moments after I re assumed this beautiful pose that I want to master so badly (I am so far from making it pretty) the teacher stops us again, but this time she says "Caitlin! Look at your feet! Everybody stop.  Caitlin, show everyone your Standing Bow Pulling Pose". Fuck. My. Life. I can't point my toes pretty, I will never point my toes pretty.  Nothing humbles you more on day 29 of a 30 day challenge as doing your least pretty pose in front of 40 other people.  

Overall Health - poor balance, lack of endurance, limited strength, poor cardiovascular health, 12-15 pounds overweight, low to average lung capacity
My balance is a lot better.  I am amazed at how balanced I am in general.  I am so much stronger too!  My cardiovascular health has improved and I breathe easier.  I can inhale for about 10 seconds and I will continue to work on filling my lungs entirely.  I am not overweight... lookin good.




Overall Assessment


My results are amazing.  I am so proud that I have finished this challenge and look forward to doing another challenge soon (maybe 60 days?).  It took a lot of my energy and was never easy.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I am all of a sudden perfect though, I still have a lot of work to do.  I would still like to be a little bit slimmer, stronger and healthier.  However, I have lost quite a few inches.  All of my work pants seems to hang off of me, I have a few pairs that I can actually fold over that the waist!  Someone mentioned to me the other day that I was glowing since my challenge.  Many people have told me I've lost weight.  My skin glows, I stand taller and feel more beautiful. I feel so much more confident and ready for this next chapter of my life.  I have a new shiny membership at my Bikram studio and will continue a steady practice and try to go daily.  


If you are looking for a change, if you are unhappy with yourself either inside or out (or in my case, both) then I really urge you to try this yoga.  Bring lots of water, eat good food and try as hard and you possibly can.  I promise you will see a change in everything, your life will be different.  Mine is.

Nope

Yea... so, this isn't a 30 day blog writing challenge and I just want to chill.  See ya!

ps. had an awesome class... day 4 complete!

wish me luck tomorrow! Publish Post

Needs Improvement

I had a great class today.  The entire energy of the room was excellent and everyone was trying their best, including me!  I pushed through much of my exhaustion and only took a break when I truly felt faint (twice).  I stayed present about 95% of the class.  AND, I rewarded myself with a slice of 'za (hey, everyone needs their carbs and protein right after working out, right?)

I've decided to make a list of things about myself that I hope to improve over the next 27 days.  This way I can look back on day 30 and see what has changed.


So here we go! Starting from the top (and again, this is with all the loving kindness anyone could possibly have towards themselves) (I also do not plan to get a new boyfriend by posting this list online for everyone to see...)


Head - hangs low, eyes do not look forward, generally looking down, chin towards chest, frequent migraines and head aches
Mind - lack of clarity, poor confidence, depression, anxiety, unable to focus on one task, doesn't always stay present (mindfulness)
Face - oily skin, blemishes, large pores, skin congestion, dark circles under eyes, lack of facial muscles, especially on the forehead, fine lines
Neck - propped forward, blemishes, skin congestion
Shoulders - tense, rolled in towards chest and up towards ears, weird shoulder fat, lack of tone
Back - spine misaligned, poor posture, blemishes, skin congestion, dryness, weak muscles, lack of tone
Chest - slight concave, blemishes, skin congestion, does not lead with heart
Arms - lack of tone, weak muscles, skin congestion
Hands - i threw this one in here for fun, i have the most beautiful hands, mreh, mreh, mreh
Belly - spare tire fat, no visible abs, ribs appear to be shaped differently
Butt - tight glutes, fat, lack of tone, cellulite
Upper Legs - fat, lack of tone, weak muscles, cellulite
Knees - recovered(?) mcl injury on left knee is still favoured, over-extension
Lower Legs - weak muscles, appear to be shaped differently
Feet - in bad shape, need surgery for bunions and generally fuckedupness, hard to balance, weak muscles
Overall Health - poor balance, lack of endurance, limited strength, poor cardiovascular health, 12-15 pounds overweight, low to average lung capacity

Let's see what happens in 27 more days.

I only have to repeat what I've done over the past 3 days 9 more times... that seems pretty easy.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?

Coconut water is amazing stuff.  I knew that it would become a staple for my challenge from the moment I had my first sip yesterday after class.  I noticed that my teacher was handing them out to people who were hurtin' real bad (ie. nearly fainting).  He said that it was a great sports drink, that it would help replenish electrolytes. I figured I'd give it a try.

I got a weird headache mid-way through class yesterday.  I knew that I couldn't be horribly dehydrated because I drank at least 20 glasses of water over the course of the day.  I figured it must have been my electrolytes.  Sure enough, 10 minutes after I drank the delicious elixir my headache was gone.
Miraculous!

For a quick overview of some of the other benefits of coconut water click here

Today, with coconut water in hand, I completed my 2nd Bikram yoga class.  Today I chose front row center.  The room felt hotter today and it was one hell of a workout.  I think that my biggest challenge over the next month will be trying to stay present, in the poses, in the class, without escaping.  Today my escape sounded something like this :).

Okay, I'm sleepy.  I swear I will talk more about the yoga soon.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

"Operation Self Esteem... Day Fucking One" - Elizabeth Gilbert

Today marks the first day of my new yoga practice.  I have decided to begin a 30 day Bikram yoga challenge.  I will do the same 26 postures for 30 days, every single day, no excuses.  I remember reading about this challenge a few months ago.  I read that Bikram says that if you do this yoga every single day for 30 days your life will change, your body will change, your mind will change, your everything will change.  And guess what folks, that is exactly what I need! I need a change.

Why Bikram?  I've been practicing (if you can call it that) various flavours of yoga since I was 17 years old... on and off (mostly off).  I never thought that I would ever step foot into a Bikram studio.  The competitive attitude scared me.  The extreme heat made me uneasy (what if I faint?).  It just isn't the kumbaya yoga that I'm used to.  Fear fear fear... my only excuse holding me back from doing this yoga was fear.... and that just isn't good enough for me anymore.  (Also... see above, I need a change.)

So, after weeks of deliberating and prepping myself I finally walked my nearly naked, fat butt (and I mean that with all the loving kindness in this universe) into the torture chamber... yes, that is what they call a studio in the Bikram world.  The Torture Chamber.  The girl who got me all sorted this evening told me to take it easy on myself, it being my first day, and that I should stay in the coolest parts of the room, the middle and/or the front.  When I walked in the room there was one last spot available, in the back corner.  The room itself is heated to a blood boiling 105 degrees.  By the time I laid down on my mat I was already sweating, my heart was already pounding.

Somehow, ninety minutes and at least a pints (mmm beer) worth of sweat later, I'm still alive.  I had a good time.  I smiled for most...errr... some of it (okay I think I smiled once, or twice, but still!).  I think that I may actually enjoy this.  Right on!

Wish me luck for tomorrow!